Self-Ping

Been a while since I've posted to the AS3, figure it would be time. The following is mirrored on the best stop smoking support site / group I've found.
alt.support.stop-smoking

Been working on my writing stuff, wow, was that first draft of the serial series rough. Was happy that I finished it, but hollee... luckily I have some honest friends who critiqued and pointed out what should be glaringly obvious mistakes. Oh well, the serial series I have planned to write, will be in the cliffhanger style. Going to have sci-fi/fantasy/adventure feel to it. I'm not going to nail down a specific genre for fiction on it, as this series will be a good writing exercise tool for me. I have been looking for a small laptop, preferably used, something that I can write with, surf, maybe watch a few videos. I'd be able to get writing done in the evenings on a machine that will not be able to do video games, plus keep me busy while the kid is in her dance lessons.

Other than that, I've only had a few cravings, mainly because of the work related stress. I've had 3 different hats to wear in the last couple of weeks and my direct manager reports on my job title, "You really don't have a job title." Well at least I'm showing that I'm flexible as I'm running from Returns to Expediting to Shipping. Its been strange though, I've smelled a cigar, and it smells good, but I've smelled smokers that come back in from their cigars at work, and they reek... Just to clarify, yes I do like those coworkers.

Fall season coming up, and it seems that everything has started to break down all at once. Monitor at home computer dead, in for store credit, time to pick out a new LCD for aging eyes. Desperately need 4 new tires for the car before hallowe'en. New fridge as the current one is still making weird ass noises... yes, like the ass has a couple extra sphincters and has a muscle spasm those kind of weird ass noises. The blade thingy for the blender fell apart, can't order from Canada, nearest cuisinart dealer is Vancouver. Television red gun is starting to act up, or the other 2 guns are dying out. Kid's mp3 player is acting wonky as well. I won't really start to worry unless the roof starts to leak or the floor starts to buckle... or the walls bleed.

But other than that, I'm still here,
Pike
I have been quit for 1 Year, 1 Month, 3 Weeks, 3 Days, 6 hours, 41 minutes and 20 seconds (421 days).
I have saved $2,426.56 by not smoking 5,055 cigarettes.
I have saved 2 Weeks, 3 Days, 13 hours and 15 minutes of my life.
My Quit Date: 8/6/2007 9:20 AM

Aural fixations/The Story's the thing

(In stream of conciousness kinda writing, sorry if it jumps all over the place, just kind of the mood that I'm in right now.)

Commercial radio sucks. There, do you hear that, that's the death knell of any remaining visage of a commercial radio career for me. If you do know me, I have worked in radio in the following capacities. On-line host/DJ, News and Sports Reporter, Producer, Creative content/Writer, Sales, Janitor

My heart still remains in that field, but not the method unfortunately. If I were to go back behind a microphone, it'd be a lot different. It would definitely have to be in an XM/Sirius radio capacity. And I'd have to have enough material to carry through... more on that later. (Unless I actually get decent pay out of it, I'll probably won't return to the field. There will probably be another rant/musing about my past radio life later on.)

I've found more and more that I am listening to audio books and podcasts, with the proliferation of content, there literally is something out there for everyone. I am quite sure that if you look hard enough there will be Care Bear/Lovecraft slash fiction that has been done in audio or youtube format.

You may shudder now.

My first audiobook was Stephen King's The Mist, on casette tape, it cost 35 bucks of well saved up allowance money. It features "Kunstkopf" binaural 3-D sound. It's amazing, full environmental sound that literally puts you right there where it's happening. And they managed to do that on a casette.The full dramatic cast only added more to the story and environment. I got into more and more of the older radio theater productions, while I read Batman and the death of Jason Todd, I listened to the eerie haunting laughter of the Shadow. While Buck Rogers was on television, I was listening to X Minus One.

There are only a few other authors that I've listened to as their audio books read by some actor. My alltime favorite has to be James Marsters and the Dresden File books by Jim Butcher. Those words got me through some very long shifts of very monotonous work.

I got (re)turned onto Podcasts in the past year or so. Via City of Heroes (my mmo of choice), came Secret World, written by Mercedes Lackey. (http://www.secretworldchronicle.com/) It's great, I'd rather listen to any of that stuff than the inanities of the morning show or Drive home show.

(Besides, there are no rock stations in the town I am living in. They may claim to be, but they
aren't. There's another rant later on, all I can say is that streaming audio and podcasts are my savior.)

But the new media is the new way to go. These are the James Brown's of the Podcasting world. The hardest working authors out there. Why? Because they do their own promotions for their works. They keep in touch with their listeners and their fan base. And these authors are working their ever living (insert body part here) off, and you know what? The fact that they love to write and do these stories just adds a wonderful yummy flavor to every moment of their works.

scott sigler - http://www.scottsigler.com/
I have become a junkie, which is what his fanbase call themselves. I'm still on Infected audiobook, Earthcore is next, but I want to space it out, so I have a reserve of podcasts to fall back on. Listener discretion is advised, not for the squeamish. But could be used as a gift to that squeamish relative you really don't like. (Yes, I am a bastard.)

Mur Lafferty - http://murverse.com/
I should be writing - A must for any budding writer, family friendly podcast.
Playing for Keeps - Superhero's and Villains, but not quite the way the stereotypes go. You can easily imagine her characters choosing a specific brand of cola from the childhood they had.

JC. Hutchins - http://jchutchins.net/
Can't really comment on his stuff, I've heard that it's really good. It is on my to listen to list.

The above three are the crowning jewels of podiobooks.com, go out buy a bigger mp3 player. Buy the books from their respective sites, its really good stuff.

And for the full family drives after the kid has finished her dance lesson
Decoder Ring Theater - Full drama cast with various genres. Find your favorite.
( http://decoderring.libsyn.com/ ) So far my favorite is a toss up between Red Panda and Black Jack Justice

(Gotta love http://podiobooks.com/ , they have donation links, so if you like it, drop off a few bucks, I believe their policy is up to 70 percent goes back to author. But if you really love their
stuff, go buy their books!)

But as for keeping up with all things geek, I have to go with Big Kev's Geek Stuff.( http://www.bigkevsgeekstuff.com/ ) In jokes include playing a certain theme song from a Joss Whedon TV series whenver the show name is mentioned. I'm not so much with the action figure segment, even at times I'm thinking how much of a geek they are, and make me feel like I have a boring life. Oh well, still a good listen.

But this will never replace a book. I'm not saying that books are better, lets get that clear now.
There isn't the same tactile experience, the smell of a library alone should be done as a perfume/deoderant... It'd be the number one seller for all the boffin's out there, in the bar, trying to hook up with the throngs of singles, and then, there she was, and the smell of polished wood shelves and dewey decimal cards that gently wafted off her. (Some of you who think I'm a freak now, go right ahead, but I know there are a lot of people right now that are thinking that would be so sexy hot.)

I can foresee that the book will become a valued gift again, a printing with leatherbound. A
real investment into an experience, which is what all stories should be... whether it's words in my
ear, or on a page.

So with that, I am planning my own serial series. What genre? I'm not going to specify, but it will
most likely include all of them. Sci-Fi golden age style, fantasy for richness, horror for the
creepout/disturbing level. I think this is more to not limit the options that my characters run into.

If I find a good groove, then I'll start specifying the genre, or possibly do a genre per 'season'. Here's the general goal for this serial series, one post per week on the blog, one story taking up 4
or 8 posts. Planning for an entire year of posts. Sounds a bit intimidating, but I know I can do it,
if I get into a decent schedule.

Will these see the light of day? I'm not too sure. These will be submitted to a group of people for critiquing. And I am open to any/all opinions. The only setback is that with content changes. I won't have to rewrite a novel, but a small detail could rewrite a whole series. Anyways, if anything, it will be a decent method to use as a writing treadmill. The fat will melt off, as I need to loose some of the weight of non-consistent writing habits.

Besides, it's not like I post on a regular basis to this blog as it is. Wow, was that self depricating
or what... Dear blog, frownie face emoticon, my soul is a black pit of black-pityness of dark
emotions...I am teh suckzors... *snrk* Yeah, right.

While we are keeping it true, a quick flash from the meter...

I have been quit for 1 Year, 1 Month, 1 Week, 4 Days, 10 hours, 23 minutes.
I have saved $2,156.51 by not smoking 4,901 cigarettes.
I have saved 2 Weeks, 3 Days and 25 minutes of my life.
My Quit Date: 8/6/2007 9:20 AM

Had a major craving last week. Thought I was over that portion of the addiction. Seeing someone else smoke, and I wanted to smoke right along with them. Guess it was the stress from work piling up, needed a crutch or a release of stress. Found walking helped out. By the time I got home, I had another few chapters of Infected listened to. But I couldnt' stand the smell of my clothes, so off they went and into the shower I went.

Will I podcast the serial series... hoo boy. I figure I can, but I have to get the writing skills up
to par. Not be afraid of that dreaded second draft of ripping everything down and objectively looking at the story and seeing the general tone and flavor. But as Mur, Scott, and JC mention in Episode 99 of 'I should be writing' ( http://isbw.murlafferty.com/podpress_trac/web/279/0/isbw_show099_080828.mp3 ) , they do recommend having the book done first, and have at least 4 to 5 podcasts before promoting the book.

Good advice, and words to plan and write about. I estimate if I want to get a good base going, it will be 2 years to go, then promote the hell outta my stuff. At least by that time, the new holographic home animation kit will be out, and I'll be wondering what that next media will be for me to try my stories out on.

So current wish list is up on Amazon, and with any luck I should be able to get that home studio outfitted with the microphone, and sound buffer. Who knows maybe I could pimp myself out as a voice over actor in the meantime? Definitely have to source out a laptop, nothing too big on specs, just enough so I can write, listen to mp3 and watch the occasional video. Think I'm going to spec out either a low end 800 mhz + unit, or try out one of the MSI Wind or Asus EEE laptops. But until then,

I'm still here, and trying to write more,
Pike aka Pearce Kilgour

367 days

367 days. Not one cigarette.

Plenty of cravings triggered by work stress, pain in my shoulders and from body, social stress, the after meal treat, the boredom, the socializing with other smokers... the list goes on, and I intend to keep track of them. My past posts here and on the AS3 support group show it.

And I won't forget, the cravings, the dreams, the rationalizations I tried to make. All of that subtle junkie behaviour that slides in. I won't forget the lies that it created in my habits and thoughts. And the stepping down from one patch to the next, the nicotine withdrawl dreams, the morning habit of removing the one patch, slapping on a new one.

Each and every craving denied means I'm getting closer to being normal. The progress makes me feel better than when I was smoking. But is this a path to being normal? I don't think so, it feels more like finding my control again.

(Then again, being normal is kind of overrated... it's always the black sheep of the family, the roguish personality that gets remembered. Otherwise the only memorable normal person would be Mr. Rogers, and he was ultra-normal. Seriously, extra large bucket sized normal with a side of normal, with a take out bag of normal.)

When it gets right down to it, I'm not going to let a leafy vegetable control me. I'm quite sure in a battle of wits or stomping, I will win out. Does my nicotine addiction control me? Not as much as it used to, in so many different ways. I'm still fighting back for control. It's still there, and probably will be for the rest of my life.

Have I kept up on my blog? No. Will I? Maybe, if I get time.

Have I started doing things I wouldn't have done as a smoker? Yes.

Have I saved the money that I would have spent on cigs? No. Have I found new ways to spend that money? Hell yes. Less bills, more savings plans, better weekends and in general better food.

And my student loan is paid off too. Weird. I really can't remember a time when I didn't have a student loan... and even then, I was in high school.

Recently my hometown had it's centennial. 100 years as a village. I went back, saw that not much had changed other than less people, people got older. Most of my high school class didn't show up other than my old bodyguards (more on that in a seperate post/blog if I get enough material on it together). The school and town itself has come a long way. Air hockey and fooseball tables, a small cafeteria area. Not saying it's a small town but this past year had a graduating class of 6.

And all of my past teachers have retired... scary thought. One of my past teachers voted me "the most likely to get a novel published" at my own graduation. I hope to think that I still have that in me, as I still have plenty of ideas to write, and I'm quite sure the publishers would like some more bird cage liner... errr.... submissions to read.

But my predisposition to stray off topic has still managed to keep hold... where was I? Oh yes, the 1 year done....

So what was I doing during that time when it rolled over 1 year? Was I watching my meter with baited breath? Nope, I was sleeping. It's vacation time for the next week and a half. 2 weeks of video games, catching up on movies, reading books, and just generally geeking out. Besides going back to my hometown, thats about all the travelling I'll be doing for a vacation. Besides, I have to get my geek on...

I can't promise that I won't take another cigarette in this lifetime. I can promise that I will try to stop myself in so many different ways if that situation arises. I do promise that I will laugh more and try and make others laugh more. Life is too short to not have any fun.

I can try and promise to post more to the support group but life comes up in so many different patterns and rhythms. Those who read this, are in my thoughts and equivalent of prayers/meditations, just remember, it does get better. And if not that then, try this one...

Pain shared is lessened, joy shared is increased. Thank you Mr. Robinson.

It has been 366 days without a cig, and today is looking pretty good.

This is my quit and I'm still here,
Pike
I have been quit for 1 Year, 1 Day, 1 hour, 12 minutes and 32 seconds (367 days).
I have saved $1,938.01 by not smoking 4,404 cigarettes.
I have saved 2 Weeks, 1 Day and 7 hours of my life.
My Quit Date: 8/6/2007 9:20 AM


Here's what's on my business card.

Seeker Of The Peace. Part Time Chandelier Cleaner. A Legend In His OWn Time. Oppressor Of Champions. Soldier of Fortune. World Traveller. All Round Good Guy. Progressive Time Traveller. International Lover. Casual Hero. Philosopher. Wars Fought, Bears Wrestled, Equations Solved, Virgins Enlightened, Revolutions Quelled, Tigers Castrated, Orgies Organized, Bars Quaffed Dry, Governments Overrun, Test Rockets Flown, Wives Tamed. Part time member of the Liquitarian Society of Saskatoon. (For proof of any of the listed abilities, please send 10 dollars to my paypal account, you may not get the proof, but I could use the money.)

Life is a waste of time.
Time is a waste of life
Get wasted all the time
And you'll have the time of your life.

Day 202 of Quit

Life has thrown me a curveball lately, but by sheer luck I had the money in my account to cover some unexpected repairs on my car. Apparently a timing belt on a vehicle must be changed every 80'000 km's, at least for the model of the car I own. This one lasted 191'000 km... and by more sheer luck the valves did not get bent after the engine failed to turn over when the belt finally went. Which would have meant a new engine in a 10 year old car.

What was not sheer luck is that the bill presented to me was almost equal to an entire paycheck. Also, it was never authorized for the repairs. The garage went ahead and replaced the timing belt. I can see that it is necessary to find out if the valves were bent or not… but doing this without any consent to do this to my legal goods? I could have contested it and most likely have a case for small claims court. But I shall say live and let live… but I am giving that garage all the advertising they do not want. How? Word of mouth.

That was last week, and previous to that there was other things that have come up that delayed me from posting up my half year quit from smokig... And another week of distractions before that which prevented this post.

Which is a good thing I suppose, the not posting and needing advice… I’m getting comfortable with not smoking. The junkie thinking comes, and it’s is easily identified and dismissed of, no matter what the temptation. I’ve thrown out the last box of nicotine patches as I don’t need them to get over those sudden cravings.

I should post more often and update my blog as well, maybe with the daily practice and posting of items will get the creative juices flowing… get rid of this indifferent attitude I have towards writing as of late. So many unfinished stories on the back burner…

What else has been going on? Bunk bed madness and replacing my daughters bed, she always wanted bunk beds, and then, when we finally got them set up, the in-laws purchased a mattress… that is not built for bunkbeds. 3 flights of stairs hauling the bunk beds up, then 3 flights down the stairs. I swear if I made an economical external elevator to attach to a balcony, I’d make a mint.

I’ve also had the strangest urge to go back and try and redo some lessons I had set up for me many moons ago in Animation Master. Perhaps this is a sign that I’m getting ready for a career change? Or just more of the ‘You should really finish soon what you put off 5 years ago’… time will tell and reveal all.

Fun stuff I’ve been watching as well…
Hilarious House of Frightenstein – Like a grim version of Sesame Street, it’s been popping up on the cable channels. Nostalgia that makes me smile, except they removed the music that they had in the show.

Across the Universe – Best musical I’ve seen in such a long time. A great blending of story and song, and it may have rekindled my love for the Beatles music.

Torchwood – A more adult Doctor Who with themes that regular broadcast television. The BBC do put out some good shows, luckily being in Canada, they occasionally show it on CBC. Further notes to see if I can dig up the broadcast of Karaoke/Cold Lazarus adaptation they did by Dennis Potter.

Doctor Who season 3, ramping up towards Russel Davies next season, I’m hoping someone else can step up to the plate for the series next… Joss Whedon or Neil Gaiman would be excellent for writing the series.

Muppets Season Two – Was watching this the other night, and the episode with Candice Bergan (spelling?) from Murphy Brown was on. Didn’t realize how many of the songs that were sung by my family when I was knee high to a grasshopper came from the Muppet show. Here I thought there was this long standing tradition of singing while doing the dishes, looks like it was just a ploy to distract me and remind me of the Muppet show at the same time. I should feel cheated, but anything Muppet related rocks.

And reading… White Night by Jim Butcher. The Dresden files books are a must read if you are into detectives… with a healthy dose of magic thrown in. The tv series they had on, was an extreme light version of the books.

“Y – The Last Man” is a must read for those who enjoy the golden age of sci-fi aka the introduction of a new science or technology and impact on humankind. In this series, something kills all males on the planet, with the exception of one man. Intelligently written, and researched out very smartly too. For example, Australia ends up with the largest naval fleet, because of the sheer number of women that were already in the navy prior to the Gendercide.

Queen and Country by Greg Rucka – Now being collected into a definitive version in trade paperback. If you enjoy Bond, you’ll like this, it’s a smarter spy series and not so much as Bond’s usual infiltrate and beat/kill the bad guy up. The agents have more depth to them, they have real life problems to deal with.

And video games, (insert sigh of content here) City of Heroes is still treating me quite well so I can get my RPG fix in. I also picked up Portal from Valve studios, a must have for the game player. For those who played… the cake is a lie. For those who don’t know, just smile, nod and back away slowly.

As for the celebratory posts and achievements, I may do something larger when it comes around to 1 year, but for right now, I’m taking it one day at a time, enjoying the moment to it’s fullest. So don’t be too surprised if I don’t post for a while, if I have something profound to write, I’ll post it up. Otherwise it will come across as so much impotent masturbation on a written scale. Then again… perhaps it won’t be if I keep up the habit of writing. Once again with that writers block/apathy attitude.

But otherwise I’ve been keeping myself busy, happily so. So where am I now?

I’m still here,
Pike

I have been quit for 6 Months, 2 Weeks, 5 Days, 1 hour and 54 minutes (203 days).
I have saved $1,072.25 by not smoking 2,233 cigarettes.
I have saved 1 Week, 18 hours and 5 minutes of my life.
My Quit Date: 8/6/2007 9:20 AM

P.S. Must update blog more often...

Day 82 - Rough Start

So, as of Monday, no more patch. The only nicotine like substance I am currently have is the dopamine my body naturally creates.

It is nice to be free of that patch, one less thing I have to remember or be dependant on, especially first thing in the morning... if you don't know by now, I am not nor will I ever be a morning person.

As far as I'm concerned
- The worm should have stayed in bed
- Waking someone up unecessarily is justifiable means for homicide
- It will only be a good morning until 11:55am upon which it will be time for lunch.

Anyways, since monday, I have noticed that my right shoulder has been aching more, lower back feels tight, and I could probably break diamonds on my shoulders. All these aches and pains are telling me something... I was medicating myself with nicotine as a painkiller, not enough to totally mask the pain, but enough for me to make it go away.

And had an argument with the wife, it was a doozy. She finally got on my case about not going to the doctor. I reminded her that she forgot what she was going to promise me she would do when I would quit smoking. She still has fears that I will get cancer, as one of our friends was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year. He had been smoking for twice as long as I did and twice as much per day. I will wait for her to remember, but this really and absolutely confirms a few things.

I quit smoking for myself.

Some people prefer to live in fear, and nothing I do will change their minds.

(Insert segue here)

Rest of the week went smooth, I had my review at the job, they confirmed a lot for me as to where I am and how my job is going. There was nothing but praise for my efforts, and they handed me my job description for me to update. One page description got expanded to three. And if they ask me to cut any of the stuff out... I will refer to the people who I was training that were supposed to take over my responsibilities.

At this point you are probably going, huh?

Come with me and lets examine this nutshell. Doing job, got transferred over to an assembly job, train people to do former job while in assembly (which is more of a demotion, but they needed the people) ... then get a split job between doing former job part time and assembly job part time, then back totally into former job... and more responsibilities of the same nature got thrown onto my plate as other people did not have time to do them.

So what's the problem?

My contract was not updated. I was doing my former job for about 8 months, and still on my contract and paycheque the job title of 'Assembler' was still there.

So, once I get my new job description and pay rate, I'll be making some more decisions. Stay with the current company which has larger mismanagement issues, or quit the job and find something else to go with. I don't have to worry about the lack of jobs in my current environment. In fact, I could push a broom for 3 bucks more an hour.

There has been a lot of anti-propaganda that has been subtly filtered down from higher management on this as well. As in what kind of company would you prefer to work for... as far as I'm concerned if this is the way a third year employee is treated, I'm quite sure there are better employers I could be working for.

Then again, there are days where I could imagine myself working for myself. Entrepreneurialism! My biggest fear is that anything that I would do would not sell and I'd end up further behind with loans and the like. Had I an actual financial cushion, then it would be alright.

And as for the job interviews... I am reminded of the late great Mitch Hedburg.
"Where do you imagine yourself in 5 years?"
"Celebrating the five year anniversary of you asking me that question."

And finally for this blog posting, I had my first smoking dream.

It was so vividly real, I was a passenger in a vehicle, I don't even remember who was driving or where we were going, and in my head I thought 'Fuck it.' I automatically had guilt after one puff which somehow sucked back half of the cigarette.

There was that feeling of guilt throughout the rest of the dream, making deliveries for something or other.

But upon waking up, I still had some of that guilt, and then I realized.

It was just a dream.

Is this my unconcious mind trying to work out these things for me? Replacing in my head a source of painkiller to deal with all the stresses of the week? Or am I on my way to becoming a non-smoker... instead of an ex-smoker?

Frankly, in my opinion the dream is a larger milestone than any number that my meter is recording. If I can change my unconcious desires and hungers, then I will be on my way to being nothing related to smoking, as opposed to being a non-smoker/ex-smoker. Then again, I really don't like labels, and have always been considered 'slightly weird', I can live with that, as my paycheque is not even anywhere near being 'eccentric'.

I'm still here,
Pike

I have been quit for 2 Months, 3 Weeks, 4 hours, 19 minutes and 17 seconds (82 days). I have saved $433.90 by not smoking 986 cigarettes. I have saved 3 Days, 10 hours and 10 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 8/6/2007 9:20 AM.

Tomorrow will be 1000 cigarettes not smoked.

Day 54 - Transitions and changes

I stepped down from 2nd stage patches of 14 mg to the 7 mg base, and now I know what I'm going to have to expect when I get off the patches altogether.

My metabolism kicked in high again, the first couple of days its like I'm 17 years old again, eating just about every half hour. I can devour a twelve inch loaded sub with double meat thats about six inches round in just under five minutes, then look at the desserts, then look back at the other subs again. I do realize that it's just my body adjusting to the lower levels from the patch, but my wife is beginning to worry. Oh yeah, and I know there is going to be a bunch of recovering non-smokers who are going to hate me.

I haven't gained a pound. If anything, I've lost a little bit of weight.

For those who have met me in person, know that I am not in exactly pumped up fashion. There is not much there for me to loose, and when I do notice, I wonder where the hell it came off of.

Maybe it has to do with the hunger suppressants inherent in cigarettes. Doctors in the 50's used to prescribe cigarettes to women as a method of diet control. Nicotine does cause a body to emit an enzyme that tells it 'done and full, no more food, thanks'. So with the lower levels, it just feels like I'm hungrier, wanting more to devour. Maybe it has something to do with the change of season. I notice now that people around me are snacking more themselves... busy little squirrels stuffing their faces with french fries and other potato snacks. Getting ready to put that little extra fat on for the winter season, survival of the species and all.

And with that new appetite and metabolism, comes lower blood sugar levels. I thought I was going to fall off of my office chair today, then I realized, it was 2:00 and I had not ate lunch. Not by my decision, there was 5 high priority tickets to take care of. So, I worked through them head spinning and all, then devoured my sandwiches in about 4 to 7 bites. Felt a lot better after that.

First couple of days on the patch, I also had headaches as well. Lack of food causing that? Possibly. Could also be all of those lovely cell receptors getting ready to shut down to 'non-smoking' levels. I'm definitely going to have to stock up on migraine medication once I am off the patches.

My body is not built for heavy labor... lower back problems, inherent bowel problems, hernias run in the family... or as I like to call it 'My body is built for making love, not war.' I do know though that after 3 weeks on the last patch cycle my body stabilized out and I was eating normally.

Dreams are still vivid and bizarre. Great source of stories, in one of them, I'm a ghost hunter. Funny part is, I'm the ghost during prohibition years, running through moonshine breweries and hunting some X-Files type monster. I'll throw the idea into the story jar, not enough backstory to flesh out a full short story, and just flimsy enough to get thrown out anyways.

And then, there is the other things... more realizations for my recovery to 'normal-hood'.

I am an addict, unlike some though, my choice drug is cigarettes. I can have a drink, and set it aside, then not have a single drop for months even years. Kurt Cobain smoked and did heroin, made him less of a musician? Thought he butchered Bowie on the unplugged album, and I you can hear him slurring, think he just got off a heroin nod before recording. I can still do my job even though I have not had one cigarette in 54 days.

I've read in medical journals that nicotine is a harder drug to quit than heroin. And I can believe it, it's a comfortable hazy cloak of lies and deception, it's built on false hopes and a subtle crutch. It infiltrates your being, and replaces your cells reactions... to everything. The pleasure response which is built into our DNA gets turned off, as the nicotine totally overrides it, those parts of your cells shut down, they aren't needed. And that psychologically you begin to replace the normal parts of pleasure that your body can produce, with the nicotine happily soaking your cells. You are brainwashing your responses on a soulful and cellular level.

It is a hazy cloak of lies and deception, it also comes with a lovely blindfold of self denial. You stitch it together with lost moments of padding down your pockets for a lighter, feeling a bit of annoyance when you don't have one with you. The voyeuristic glances to behind the counter, seeing if they have 'your' brand. The cloth of self assured thoughts, 'It helps me relax', 'It gives me time to think', and 'I like it'. It wraps around you, permeates you, until it controls your behavior. Look at it this way, a dried plant leaf soaked in chemicals, cut up and put into a paper tube is going to determine how you are going to spend five minutes of your life. I'd rather be looking at something beautiful for those five minutes.

Another part of my recovery is that I'm speaking the truth more... maybe that's from trying to dump all the self-lies that I was feeding myself while I was smoking. I know people who are in their 90's who smoke, not one bit of cancer... I can just have one more, I can afford to quit later... they don't have any definitive proof that smoking causes cancer... I can't smoke in public, but millions of cars out there each day are pumping out more toxins in the air than my single cigarette... there was only one statement that subconsciously I was not lying to myself in the last couple of months before my quit started.

I don't like to smoke.

It got to the point, where I recognized that I was feeding the habit and my bodies response to it. I became annoyed because the cig was overruling what I wanted to do. I had to smoke before I could go do those other things.

I began hating the smoking process, but the addiction told me that it was necessary.

So I stopped smoking and used the patch. At that time, it was just 'okay, this is just another quit.' and I'll be back smoking within a month or so... but now, if I truly want to become more than an addict, I'll have to do more.

This week I couldn't stand to be at my desk at first coffee break, so I put jacket and Tilley hat on, and went outside. With all the smokers. I made sure I was not in their path of smoke, as I now can't stand the smell and was joking around with them. Sun was good, was actually warm for once, I wasn't working, it's the middle of the week, all is good... then I caught my hand.

It was reaching into my jacket for my cigarette pack.

I physically was going through the motions.

I almost smacked my hand when I stopped, but I did the smart thing, I took my mind off of actually doing the physical motion and analyzed what the hell I was doing. I came to the realization that by proxy I wanted to be part of the group. All the other apes were throwing rocks, so I went and was going to throw one too. Is wanting to be part of a group more important than my own health? Hell no. I'll try again later and be social with them later on.

This current stage of my quit is just a transition and change, with the onset of fall, there comes a lot of that reflected all around me. The oranges, yellows and browns of the leaves. Neighborhood children who were toddling around in cartoon clad clothing are now sporting acne and awkward prepubescent bodies. I notice there is more grey hair at my temples, there is more lines around my wife's eyes.

It's all about change, water becomes stagnant and not healthy if it does not flow. If I do not take the water of my own life and flow, I will become like a pool of standing water. In order to make the transition from smoker to non-smoker to ex smoker to 'nothing related to smoker or non-smoker', I must change.

This is my last quit, and I'm still here,
Pike

I have not smoked in one month, three weeks, one day, 13 hours, 18 minutes and 7 seconds.
I have not smoked 642 cigarettes, saving $282.77.
I have got an additional 2 days, 5 hours, 30 minutes of my life saved.

Musing thoughts for a Friday

Random Thought #1 - Pants is singular. To have more than one pair, it's still called pants, not pantii, or pantses. When referring to the legs, it's pant leg. When referring to pockets, it's pants pockets. There is no reference or phrase to describe the zipper, it's not the pants zipper, it's the zipper or fly. Even when they are buttons, it's a button fly. Perhaps I should be wearing a kilt.You know what's worn under a kilt? Nothing.

Nothings worn, it's all in good working condition.



Random Thought #2 - I've had a song stuck in my head for the past couple of days. In my head, I hear ' One for the ro-oh-oh-oad.' So that's what I've been looking for... do you know how many songs have that in their lyrics? I knew it was from the 70's but couldn't put my finger on it, sounded so generically 70's that no one part of what I had stuck in my head was identifying the artist. So, do a search with it in for chorus... sure enough.... Boz Scaggs - Lido Shuffle.

Lido, whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh....He said, "one more job oughta get it""One last shot, we quit it""One more for the road"

Is this another sign of getting older? Definitely have to regularly taking my gingko biloba. My brain maybe a gun, and my words are bullets, but it really doesn't help if the gun gets rusty.


Random Thought #3 - I miss drive in theaters.


Random Thought #4 - Found this on a site, Billy Connoly (master humorist) had this handed to him as well, I've altered it a bit, but one day this will be on my business card. I may change the header in my blog to read the following.
Seeker Of The Peace. Part Time Chandelier Cleaner. A Legend In His Own Time. Oppressor Of Champions. Soldier of Fortune. World Traveller. All Round Good Guy. Progressive Time Traveller. International Lover. Casual Hero. Philosopher. Wars Fought, Bears Wrestled, Equations Solved, Virgins Enlightened, Revolutions Quelled, Tigers Castrated, Orgies Organized, Bars Quaffed Dry, Governments Overrun, Test Rockets Flown, Wives Tamed. Part time member of the Liquitarian Society of Saskatoon. (For proof of any of the listed abilities, please send 10 dollars to my paypal account, you may not get the proof, but I could use the money.) Life is a waste of time.
Time is a waste of life.
Get wasted all the time.
And you'll have the time of your life.


Random Thought #5 - Computer social networking... The AS3 network of recovering non-smokers have helped me out a lot, I probably would still be smoking if it wasn't for the fact that they were there. But somehow I got sucked into facebook, found a whole lot of people I have drifted away from. Not on purpose, but it does happen regardless of how much you put ties down. Families drift apart, friends have to move away, intrests change. Scariest part is... I'm seeing people now from my hometown, that I remember were in Kindergarten. Yep, another liver spot just burst out from the back of my hands, and another hair just went grey. How long will facebook last? I don't know, seems that everyone was MySpace'ing it a year ago. Another fad? Maybe... it might end up becoming like ICQ, or Powwow. I miss using Powwow, it was better than ICQ as you could send people sound files, and when you played them on your computer, it would play on theirs. Also had a smaller footprint for memory consumption.Hopefully it will stick around, but in the meantime, I'm up there. And for those people who are wondering were I am...

I'm still here,
Pike

My smober meter reads... One month, two weeks, one day, 6 hours, 12 minutes and 7 seconds. 555 cigarettes not smoked, saving $266.45. Life saved: 1 day, 22 hours, 15 minutes.

I'm forgetting something...

Daily routines keep a person sane, they give a sense of purpose and direction, it prepares them for the achievements of the day. Little rituals that the high tech tribes prepare for... making sure their mp3 players have a new mix of songs. The suits making sure their blackberries are charged up, and the creases in their pants ready to cut 2 inch glass.. Soccer moms e-mailing the latest recipes to the list of other parents.

The morning rituals can make or break a day, toast burns, alarm clock doesn't go off, phone calls from relatives who think you have the time to chat. They all add up to a bad start to a day. My mornings usually involved me evolving from caveman...grunting and pointing towards the bathroom, cringing and groaning when the water temperature would change from the adjacent neighbours deciding to flush the toilet. Coffee in me, do the morning quick internet browsing to check on the weather forecast, and do the checklist.

My mother calls these the 'Did I's'.

Did I turn the stove off, did I get the drain plug out of the sink, did I start the washer and dryer, did I make sure that the salad dressing get put back into the fridge after getting lunch ready... etc, ad naseaum. I have my wallet, cell phone, mp3 player for those long quiet afternoons at work, lunch packed up, my cheerios for that morning breakfast, backpack has novel in case I have to take the bus home, and my hat. Testicles, spectacles, wallet and watch. Yep, it looks like I'm ready for the day.

When I stopped smoking over a month ago, my habits had to change, those rituals were now disrupted. The weight of my jacket changed, there was no long that comfortable mass that balanced. I tried putting my cell phone in place of where I had my cigarettes, it still feels weird. I did contemplate very briefly about using my old cigarette tin for a portable mp3 player... I filed that thought under not healthy, as having any paraphernalia around would not help my recovery. I have a bag of lighters that keep growing in size. The physical hand to mouth gesture has been replaced, I straighten out my moustache and goatee.

For those of you non-smokers who have never touched a single cigarette, it's exactly like forgetting to put on your watch.

You feel naked.

The physical presence of the things that get us through the day are soothing. It makes sure your world is all in the right place and in order. When those things are removed, it's like an old friend suddenly dying on you. It jars your routines, your rituals, that what was unshakable has broken off and lost. Your perception of the world has been changed, and not by your own decision to change things. And in a way when those small things are lost, you must mourn them in your own ways. And I've never been good with mourning, I prefer to celebrate.

It's a better way to live.

And now with that pack of cigarettes no longer in my jacket, my world has changed. By my own decision to do so. Now I have to remind myself that 'No, I have everything. All is good in the world.' Even though I have reminded myself that I have everything, it still feels like I am forgetting something. And there is a brain fog that comes along with not-smoking, my concentration and focus levels are about the equivalent of a hyperactive 4 year old hopped up on pixie sticks and coca-cola. So I have to push through that fog and remind myself...

All is good in the world of me.

No matter what though, it follows me around all day long, that naked feeling, that I'm forgetting something... did I lock the door at home... did I then it occurs to me.


I'm not wearing any pants.



I'm still here,
Pike


P.S. All of the above is true, except for the pants. Although at one of my former jobs,
we did have a sign above our work bench that read... PANTS ARE NOT AN
OPTION.

400

I check my meter, then adjust it, as it's not quite right. Something must be wrong with it. I'm looking at the number of cigarettes I would have had... if I still smoked.

400.

That's 16 packs, easy to imagine. But imagine, 400 cigarettes... can you? Or does it become a very large smokey haze? (I don't pardon puns, I send them to the electric chair.)

Unreal. Work this week was easier on me, think I'm recovering a bit better. Must take the time to go book a physical with doctor, and see what else can be done about my hemmoroid problem. I got another co-worker asking... heh, I told him. I got my point across when I told him he didn't want to know, he wanted to know.

I told him.

He said he would never be able to look at me the same way. Me and my descriptions and truth, ain't I a stinker?

So, today... dun dun dun!!! One month, two days. I got up early today, and it payed off, for once. Had breakfast with the family, then I was off to the auction. Left the wife and kid at the in-laws, and I had the car for the day. Yeehaw!

A local shopping mall had a business not renew their lease. It was like an internet cafe, only for gaming. When it first opened up, I figured it wouldn't last a year. Well, it lasted two. Good for them. At the auction site (large warehouse) there was all these church pews... uh oh. I managed to stick it out for several hours. Picked up 2 copies of Guild Wars for 10 bucks each, and a sweet leather highback office chair for 55 bucks. I was tempted to get in on the computers, but they were going way too high... I could have built for half the price they were going at.

Followed that up with a stop at Howies Barber shop, (no more half mullet for me) and a quick browse through 8th Street Comics and Books, got me home. (And if you are anywhere in Western Canada, 8th Street comics and books is the best place to get your comic book needs.)

Decided to pop into the AS3 chat, here's an excerpt, Marvin and I were talking about real estate out east as opposed to where I am.

[Marvin] we walked out of a house in minutes because the owner was there smoking when we walked in ... i was just quit at the time
[Marvin] they lost that sale
[Pike] That would do it. Then again, the smoker wouldn't of understood.
[Marvin] no --
[Marvin] but to remove the stench is a lot of work
[Marvin] glad i quit
[Pike] So am I. What the hell is it with the nicotine, it blinds people from the truth?
[Marvin] it's the ultimate addiction
[Pike] I don't think the addiction has to do with it.
[Marvin] there's no penalty except early death
[Marvin] unlike boozing it
[Pike] :-)
[Marvin] it's a HUGE psychological addiction -- absolutely -- it takes 3 days for the nicotine to leave but weeks for the 'Rebraining' to happen
[Marvin] eat ... uh ... uh ... sigh ... OK ... not going to smoke ... sigh
[Marvin] it's an artificial reward system too
[Marvin] reward yourself with a smoke ... cough!
[Pike] Okay, I dig that. Not during the recovery phase, during while a smoker is smoking. Here's a theory... lowered oxygen levels in blood, pain receptors are turned down way low, your cells are 'drunk', and the perspective gets skewed to look through it.
[Pike] A person in a way gets to be emotionally blind to what is going on around them.
[Marvin] true ... but then you realize you're killing yourself too
[Pike] The smoker doesn't come to this realization unless they want to.
[Marvin] so the 'Pleasure' gets messed up
[Marvin ] true
[Pike] Exactly, the 'pleasure' ends up becoming ignorance.
[Marvin] or denial
[Marvin] never underestimate the power of denial
[Pike] Heh. Denial is just a highly defensive state of ignorance.
[Marvin] George Bush swears by it
[Marvin] he's it's poster child

I don't deny it, I am an addict.

400 cigarettes not smoked

This is madness. This ain't sparta.

This is my last quit and I'm still here,
Pike

P.S. This guys writing is unreal, and as for descriptions, I highly recommend it for the following people.
Doctors
Oncologists
Radiation tech's
Ex-smokers
Smokers
Someone who's life has been affected by cancer, or know someone.

One day I wish I can write as well as he does. Start from his earliest entry, and make sure your heart strings are doubly reinforced.
http://raw-elemental.com

Another quart of oil...

Recently someone posted up, basically an advertisement for this site in the stop smoking newsgroup I'm in. It refers back to http://depressionhelp4u.com/kit.php

Which includes a kit, for you to get if you have mild, medium, or severe depression. As well with a reduced price... like any pessimistic depressive wouldn't see through the site anyways.

Frankly speaking... if you are suffering from any types of depression, go see a doctor.

Allright, so I'm a big old bastard... I'm definitely going to hell for this one.... got a spot in the lava right next to the water cooler that is just out of reaching distance... *cracks knuckles*




"Allright kids, settle down, we've got a lot of work today...."

"What are we building?"

"Okay, everyone have their depression kits?" Looks about the room. "Okay, if you forgot your melancholy, just buddy up and share. Today class, we are going to build..." Turns to the blackboard, white chalk against the green background, the letters D Y S T H M I A. "This is not a form of dyslexic asthma, no it's a very mild form of depression."

"Can we use Morrisey's music to help build this?"

"It's one of the prime ingredients Billy. I've also have Sade compact disks for those who want to build dysthmia for someone who just got out of a long term relationship. Oh yes, and I do have some extra little pegs so the shelves fit right, always seem to loose those."

"Sir?"

"Yes Gertrude?"

"It's Bob sir, my older brother told me that his girlfriend is bi-polar-"

"That means she prefers having sex with both male and female polar bears, now if you look at this chart..."

Yay, three weeks. I'll celebrate with some sleep tonight, and hopefully something with a noir theme for dreams as opposed to fibonnaci sequences and dramatic chipmunks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw

And yes, I know that it's not a chipmunk but a common prairie dog, or gopher. But as a flatlander hailing from the paris of the prairies, I know exactly what destruction those lil buggers can wrath.

About the same as me without my coffee on a monday morning...

I'm still here,
Pearce

Three weeks, 3 hours, 17 minutes and 6 seconds. 253 cigarettes not smoked, saving $106.53. Life saved: 21 hours, 5 minutes.

Strange dreams and other things

Well, due to my current health, (recovery from hemmoroid surgery... size of golfball, around 16 blueberry sized blood clots removed) I have been sleeping on my left side or my stomach on the couch. I forgot to remove my nicotine patch and ended up with some bizarre dreams.

I was a stagehand for a burlesque show at Madonna's house, then given opportunity to have a few lines for one skit, I changed the line to something that was more comedic. I was then sent off to repair or fix a toilet, then it turned into some weird combination of The Shadow meets reality tv. Who knows what stupidity lies within unrehearsed television, only the subconcious mind knows.

This also may be due to the fact that I left the tv on and this morning had a remote sized imprint on my side.

Like I said, weird. But weird is only a step from what one is normally used to. What lies beyond that corner is a new world, to the brave it is. To those who are stuck in their day to day routine and not with open mind, it's weird. I do have an open mind, but... fixing a toilet at Madonna's house?

Writing stuff, been concentrating on another bit of fan fiction for RPCongress.com, yes I am a geek. I play the MMORPG City of Heroes, and to kick start the writing back up again, I'm collaborating with another player. A current story takes the noir detective and the damsel to India.

And I'll be damned if the synchronicity isn't coming up all over the place. Random searches for computer information has lead me back to sites coming directly out of India. Television ads for corn chips having a setting in India. Those can be easily explained. Folk fest brought me back to the India pavilion, but I never realized that I'd end up meeting an old colleague. But the final bit of the synchronicity that cannot be explained is my mother lending me her DVD, Bride and Prejudice, a bollywood flick.

Off to the doctor this afternoon, hoping to get some sleep before then, but then I have caffeine withdrawl headache starting, so coffee it is.

I'm still here,
Pearce

P.S. I will be randomly attaching my meter flash for my quit.
Two weeks, five days, 2 hours, 5 minutes and 7 seconds. 229 cigarettes not smoked, saving $96.20. Life saved: 19 hours, 5 minutes.

My last quit

My rants from AS3 sound like a good start for the blog, everything else is subject to change.


This is Day 3 on the patch for me, and I'm just a jagged little ray of sunshine, wrapped in razor wire, dipped in hydrochloric acid that woke up on the wrong side of the cage this morning. I'm quite sure that I can verbally dissect a politician at ten paces.
My smoke patterns were around 10 to 13 cig's a day, so I started on step 2 on the patch the 14mg. Maybe a too big of a drop, (hmm... see above) but I know the following...
My sleep patterns are totally off now, very brief vivid bizarre dreams (The kind that would make Terry Gilliam jump back and yell "Weird man!") despite removal of the patch an hour before I go to bed.
Around mid-afternoon, I'm yawning like crazy, must be a sign that my body is needing more oxygen or is using more oxygen. I have more energy now, don't know if that's from the nervous anxiety from breaking the habit... or the different levels of nicotine.
I'm craving sweet stuff now... more of my body trying to stabilize blood sugar levels?
I'm sneezing more often now, although I've had sinus problems before I started smoking. (AKA reconstructive surgery, replacement of cartilage in nose)
Minor little aches and pains that I associate with not enough stretching and too much desk work seem to be amplified.
I've also noted that my wife was not prepared to deal with my quitting, she's going to be a saint by the time I'm ready to drop nicotine altogether... hopefully that saintly thing keeps going when the libido phase comes around. (By the way, I've noticed that being mentioned several times, is there an actual time when the libido phase kicks in?)
My hunger levels have increased a bit, my morning breakfast consisted of (past tense) coffee and a cig. But even when I wasn't smoking, I really couldn't eat first thing after I woke up, I'd feel bloated and sick all day if I did... So now I'm getting hungry around 10am, as opposed to 11am.
Anyways, enough of my observations for now...
I'm still here, Pike


Day 4 - After I put on a fresh patch this morning, and a series of events occurred. I managed somehow to not get that craving for the smoke on the way to work, despite traffic. Shortly after I got to work, a ninja like bastard with a Sleepy Bat hit me over the head. Repeatedly. Food and orange juice should be boosting my blood sugar levels, but to no avail. I've never been a morning person though... ever. It is in my strong belief that the early worm should have stayed in bed, that if I need to watch a sunrise, it would be with my wife in bed and it would be the perfect end to an energetic night.
And for some reason, I'm getting the migraine auras very very briefly, for 2 seconds then they fade very quickly. Wondering if some underpaid overworked line worker at the plant slipped in some LSD into the nicotine for the patches. But they aren't preceding my usual other warning signs for migraines, so I'm going to enjoy them. If they get any worse, I'll be hitting the painkillers to head off a potential migraine as usual. Feeling very very sluggish and lethargic, with practically zero motivation. And the smell of cigarettes.. is still ambrosia. I'm contemplating using some entrainment software to counter withdrawl effects, I just need to research it out a bit more, find a good piece of software, and see if I can get it to export sounds to MP3 format for my portable player.

Day 5
I've determined that I used to use a cigarette for punctuation. I would finish something off, then have a cigarette. That is the habit that I am breaking. Just before the start of my quit, I realized that I was smoking for my body, not for what I needed to do. Mentally I found that I was hating myself for smoking, hence the last quit that I am now on. (I think that is my new mantra.)
Yesterday was a fun filled rollercoaster of blood sugar. I drank a liter of orange juice, as I kept feeling like I was going to fall asleep. I feel like I have my apettite when I was a teenager and had the nickname "Remorseless Eating Machine."
Last night, at the local Exhibition Fair (aka rides, midway games, grandstand show) I had conflicting reports from my nose. There were times there that I could smell the cigarette smoke and my body responded in the wrong way to it. The smell was ambrosia, I put the thought aside, distracted myself and then five minutes later, I realized what that stink was and I saw other people nearby smoking.
A real eye opener, but yet at the same time, there is a part of me that does not want to adopt the mental policy that all smokers are junkies. I know it would be easy for me to slip into that mindset to help me through my recovery... but it is a lot easier to fear other people than it is to accept them for who they are. I've always treated people (regardless of station, rank, priviledge, religion or bank account size) as they would treat me and others. I do not have time for bullies as they are using their own fears as a jacket of strength. The regrettable part is that I will use their habits as a reminder of what I once was, and that truly it will only be up to them to stop their own habits.
Wow, that was a little deep. Okay, in other recovery news, lets go to the wife... who is being supportive in all regards. She bought an aromatherapy oil jar from a booth last night, to be kept at bedside when sleeping overnight. There is pine, eucalyptis and spearmint. The lady at the booth said it helped her daughter quit cold turkey, as when she was breathing the stuff overnight, it made the taste of cigarettes unbearable to her. And it reduced her own cravings practically overnight. At that point, I envisioned a snake oil salesman... whitens your teeth, makes your skin and hair silky, powers your sex drive, and gets rid of that stubborn gout and aching smelly feet. She did say that if I do get a really big hankering, I was to take about five to six deep lungfulls through my nose to smell the stuff and the craving should subside.
I was a bit sceptical of it, then again I came to the realization that any method for quitting (short of amputation at the neck) would be good to help me. I was willing to give it a try. Right before I went to bed, I did get another craving, feeling the anxiousness of not having the relaxation, then tried out the five to six lungfuls along with a good helping of Spider Robinson novel. The feeling passed and I went to sleep quite quickly.
As per my usual schedule, I slept in, waking up and stumbling to the bathroom, then I realized once I was halfway done my cup of coffee that my lungs felt great. I now know that I can enjoy coffee products without craving a cigarette. The tastes of food are now sharper now, although the sudden drops in blood sugar do worry me a bit. I am tempted to check in with a doctor, as fears of diabetes (even though it does not run in the family) are cropping up in the back of my mind.
As for these posts, if no one minds, I will continue to do these up in my self reflective mode. Call it what you like, but if I document my quit to all absolute details, I can look back on it with pride, and if tempted by whatever situation comes up in the future, I will be able to look back to these posts and remind myself that I already went through my last quit.
I'm still here,
Pike


Day 7 of quit
I verbally ripped off a coworkers head about an hour ago. Was it called for? No. Did it feel good doing it? No. Did it express my frustrations with an assigned task? Yes. Had I expressed these frustrations before? Yes, on multiple occasions. Is this related to my recovery? Probably, maybe, maybe not. Almost came down with a migraine last night, caught it in time though, in-laws sniping didn't help the situation either.
And as this is day 7, first week done of patch, I should be celebrating... but my current mood is this...
I could cheerfully grab the next person who criticizes my actions, apply ten thousand shallow cuts with a rusty razors, apply a liberal bath of salt and jalapeno juice. Then for fun, set their genitals on fire, and force them into a cage with gorillas and rabid badgers who have been hopped up on steroids, crystal meth, and spanish fly. All the while listening to Michael Bolton moaning on an infinite loop audio feed.
That would be a good start.
As from the immortal words of Joss Whedon, 'This is my Gandhi impersonation.' Splat. 'Gandhi?' 'Yeah, he was pissed off too'. (You get a geek point if you know exactly what series that was from)
The habit kept me from dealing with these things, I could use it to escape the stress. The crutch kept me from actually dealing with these situations. Work stress, money stress, traffic stress, general life stress. It was a reactive response to stress to smoke, and now I realize that recovery is an ongoing proactive action. Until my reactions for dealing with these stresses become manageable, I will still be in recovery. And that does not matter if I have a nicotine patch on or not. There is no plausible escape from these any of the stressful situations, only my reactions to them.
However... the next person who tells me what I should do, (unless I've directly asked them) will get their hair parted by my lecture on the difference between what Should and Could is! And will I apologize for verbally ranting at them? Possibly. At the top of my lungs while a group of people hold me down.
This is my last quit.
I'm still here, Pike
One week, 1 hour, 41 minutes and 10 seconds. 84 cigarettes not smoked, saving $35.63. Life saved: 7 hours, 0 minutes.

Day 10 of quit
A lump underneath furs stirs, a leaden weighed hand finds the snooze button to smack the annoying insect like buzzing, a second lump moves disturbing the first lump.
The one lump is annoyed but moves out of the warm comfort to stand under hot water, scrubbing, scrubbing, sneezing, then scrubbing some more. The now clean lump hears the other lump and recognizes it as his mate. Putting coverings over skin, grabbing the hot water that has been filtered through crushed beans, he remembers to grab what was not eaten from last nights feast so he may eat at mid-day.
The caveman, known as Pike, leaves his cave.
Yes, I am very tired, can't stop yawning. It's as if gravitonium has been fused to every atom of my body. Every movement seems to be hampered, and the energy levels that I enjoyed prior to today are gone like a harsh ex-lover. (Or money out of my bank account.) I could easily make Rip Van Winkle look like he just took a casual nap.
I can see how the despair sets in at this point, the body is sluggish affecting mood and responses. Any kind of anxiety only seems to increase the sluggies and lessen energy levels. I was hoping that my increased energy levels were going to keep this way through my entire recovery... either that or I hit the wall and my body has already adjusted to the lower levels of nicotine from the patch. I have doubts about switching to the next step down, possibly not until I've been totally addicted to the patch, which is better than smoking anyday.
The aromatherapy oil has definitely helps a lot. I forgot the other night to take the lid off of it, lungs felt a bit sore all morning yesterday. That lid will come off every night, even though I've gotten used to the smell already. Did some research on that as well. Apparently even people that have had too much damage to their nasal passages, who cannot smell at all, receive the same benefit from the aromatherapy... chalk it up to trace elements in the air that they are breathing at the cellular level I guess. Or their bodies remember the response in the same environment of the smell, even though the nerves are no longer working in their noses.
Oh yeah, and the new ways to distract myself include the following. Audio books and walking, must get more from the library and see if I can get any of the Big Finish productions with Doctor Who. Or Douglas Adams, that would be good. Building a wish list for things that I will buy with the extra money, once it actually shows up in my bank account. I'll have to include my own recovery amount into the signature, cause the amount I've 'saved' is not true, as that money went towards patches... Playing around with entrainment software, think of it as biofeedback for your brain. Nice stuff, still haven't found a program that is free for me to export to mp3.
And if you can't tell, I can't stick to one subject for too long, the brain fog has got me. I have fears that I will get OCD from doing things to distract myself from the cravings. I also fear that the recovery process will never end, and that would confirm my own fear and suspicions that I am an addict.
Or perhaps I had OCD on cigarettes psychologically wise... Too deep a thought for sluggish body and brain.
Tonight I am off to Folkfest, eating foreign food, watching dancing, hopefully finding a kilt from the clan I was decended from, and genuinely enjoying the evening. This weekend, I hope to watch 'What the Bleep!' again, to stimulate those lazy neurons in my brain.
Ugh, caveman still here, Pike (Insert stick figure standing above mammoth painted in squished berries on cave wall here)


Day 14 of quit
The caveman got hauled out to do shopping on the weekend. Went immediately to the multivitamins and grabbed a big honkin' bottle, also grabbed some gingko biloba (Sp?) and surprisingly the brain fog has cleared up a little. And the general weariness is not so bad now, it's tolerable to the point where I can function normally. Well, as normal as I ever get...
What was strange on the weekend was after sleeping in, I got my coffee, planted my butt in front of the computer and it was only after 3 hours did I realize... I didn't put the patch on, hence why I was getting irritated at the news items I was reading. Slapped on the patch, and all was well again.
The craving for the punctuation cigarette came back later that night with a vengeance, got rid of it by starting my backups of information off my computer. Strange thing, usually when I keep myself busy when those cravings come up, they fade. This time, it didn't... didn't sleep well that night either. Ended up finding a free MMORPG, getting annoyed with it, then went to read. Only found some calm at 3 AM, drinking a beer, watching the lightning, sitting on the balcony, having stray thoughts about how the neighbours must think I'm nuts, then not caring what they think. I still have that little hovering presence of weight and stress across my shoulders, it's annoying, like a mild sunburn, just lightly pinked up, but not lobster red.
Even though I didn't crave the patch after I first got up, would putting it on at a later time throw off my levels? Probably, but to last that long? Even till today, just that slightly on edge feeling, doesn't help out. Which brings me to thoughts of the future for recovery... how will finally getting off the patches be for me? You'll probably see me on tv and/or youtube, "Man on rooftop throwing flaming bags of monkey poo, arrested, given pants. News and film at 6."
Well it goes no matter of my state of pants, it's yawn city for me this morning, even with the new regimen of vitamins and ginkgo. I can concentrate on what I'm focusing on, now it's just a matter of getting the motivation. I'll chalk it up to being Monday though...
Brain fog lifting, getting close to lunch, and I realize this... My brain is a weapon, my words are an army.
I'm still here, Pike
Two weeks, 1 hour, 56 minutes and 56 seconds. 168 cigarettes not smoked, saving $70.97. Life saved: 14 hours, 0 minutes.





Which brings me to this point of my quit. Why blog it? Why not. Maybe chronicling my own recovery process will help others. I can only hope.

The fine folks at alt.support.stop-smoking have helped me out so far, and their FAQ is more than any doctor has told me about smoking so far. And for those who are contemplating their own 'last quit' remember, you are doing this for yourself, and no one else.


Tilly on head, drink in hand, I salute you,
Pearce